Saturday, May 10, 2014

Dear Mom

It has been 8+ years since we celebrated Mothers Day.  I honestly don't remember that particular day, but I do know that we usually celebrated with lunch/dinner, a treat just for you.  That particular year, we had lunch at the cafe in the hospital....when I got there.   I couldn't make it home for the last one here in this world, as I was out at sea.  I sent you a Coach Purse from where I was stationed at in Virginia- an attempt to make up for my absence.  I was glad you enjoyed it when I visited a few weeks later before deployment.  You never really enjoyed us spoiling you when we were growing up. When I finally had a job right out of college, buying you something nice-just for you- was what I wanted to do.  We never got to go out and really hang out during my last visit, as you were in the Cancer Ward at University of Chicago. The nurses set up a cot so I could stay there with you during my visit.  Have a sleepover, talk, and gossip about everything and anything.  But I will never forget your strength, your hugs, and love.  You hated being there, but you did over come the cancer for a short time after my visit. I only wish I was there to see it.  To take you to Huck Finn, or just a walk around the neighborhood.  You were scared because I was deploying for the first time.  I tried my best to keep you calm.  It was just 6 months on a ship.  No big deal.  I had a "mini" deployment before-humanitarian relief in New Orleans post Hurricane Katrina.  I showed you pictures from Katrina during that visit, and told you how well I was doing at work.  I was about to get promoted a week later.  Taking on more responsibility.  I had a boyfriend in the Navy at the time, he had just returned from Iraq.  Life was good.  Life was really good.  I was excited for this journey.  So so excited. 

Just about a month and a half into the deployment, I called you one night.  Just to see how you were.  I had a feeling.  A feeling you were worried.  So I asked my boss if I could use his phone.  That was the last time I ever heard your voice.  As I comforted you saying "It is ok, mom.  My boss let me use his phone..I know you see us on the news..but we are ok..."  2 days later, I received the message that you were sick, and I had to get home.  Unfortunately, I didn't make it back to say goodbye.  I was at the airport with 10+ junior Sailors who were scheduled to rotate back home.  We were in Italy, waiting to get on a plane, when I called home, and got the news.  I will never forget how they saw my face on the phone, the moment I found out I didn't make it home in time.  They all came over to me, and gave me a group hug like no other.  They didn't know why I was flying home-they just figured it out.  I felt so much love at that moment, and was so blessed to have those Sailors there with me on my trek home. 

8 years later, I am returning from sea this Mother's Day.  I have done so well this week.  Planning evolutions, doing things you probably never had the wildest idea that I could ever do.  Seriously-me, the third in command of a warship?  You probably never imagined that 8 years ago.  Having a great job, and a great future ahead at work and at home.  Boyfriends came and went, and the latest one stayed-thank goodness.  He is now my fiance, and you would love him-he is perfect.  I tell him quite often.."if you could have only met my mom-she would love you!"  Planning a wedding and a future with him is awesome, and it is even better knowing that I grew up with the ideals and morals that you and dad instilled in us all!

The hardest part about mother's day isn't the fact that you aren't here anymore-it is trying to live and dance to your legacy.  I hope that I can count on your lessons and handle all that comes my way with as much poise, love, and grace as you.  I think of you often, pray for you and dad..and hope you both continue to watch over me as you have these many years. 

Love you always-


  1. My heart goes out to to you. Great letter to your Mother.

  2. What a beautiful letter. It is so hard to celebrate in the face of loss. Praying you enjoy today in her honor.

  3. so beautiful!!! your Mom sounds like she was beyond awesome :) keeping you and your family in my thoughts/prayers,today especially!

  4. Sorry about the loss of your mother. It truly is a beautiful letter.


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